You know that period in life where your like fuck ... what's next? I had an AHA moment, when I hit my quarter of a century. There's so many rollercoasters in your 20's. I can speak more confidently about my 20's now because of the wisdom I've gained over the last couple of years. The stage when we move from high school to college is an exciting time, we put on our big girl panties and grab the books by the cover and as much as the teacher stacks them up we knock them down. Sounds confident AF right?
The changes we go through and sometimes don't know how we're going to get to the other end. It's like swimming in the pool from the comfortable end to the deep end. Most times only we know when something is right for us, that little voice inside starts going off, if your quiet enough listen to it. I remember that little voice use to come through and I would ignore it. In hopes of things changing, when I already knew the answer to the questions. I keep seeking for advice from others when I had the keys all along.
Twenties, the years when you can make the mistakes and polish them every year. There was dust, cob webs, periods of reflection and I'm still evolving. I'll speak more on cob webs there was a period where I was betrayed by a guy who I dated off and on for years that didn't value me (totally normal -- but unacceptable) it was my second stab at my heart. I decided from that moment forward, I would not be intimate for a year. I made a year commitment to myself to understand why did sex evoke such feelings. Why can't I just be like a guy and not care as much. So that entire year of being celibate, I learned I control my feelings and no one can make me feel anything I don't want to feel. How could you allow someone to have so much power over you? And that's when it hit me. I was more into him then he was into me. If I allowed intimacy to be the weapon, I would've continue staying with a guy who just fulfilled one need, but lacked everything else.
For as long as I know there were times staying in a relationship was comfortable even when I knew it was expired, trying to make things work for the sake of how I was raised and clearly my attachment, or making things work because you stick with one man and through your ups and downs and you make it work. But, I took a twist to that southern loving that was passed down from my grandma. After voicing a concern for awhile, throwing in the towel and walking away became a skill I mastered. Not saying, that it's a great thing. But I'm proud to be a woman who knows when to walk away from people who no longer belong in my life as anything more than a friend. Simple as this, cut off completely. Not because I didn't love, because I loved me more.
How can you casually cut people off -- just like that? It's nothing more fulfilling than realizing for so long .. you've put other peoples feelings/needs to the forefront. So where does that leave you? always picking up the pieces and putting others puzzle together, neglecting parts of you that needs bandaids on too? Don't ever feel like you have to reason with others when you feel something is not working for you. Self love -- is #1. If you can't love yourself with all your transitioning how can you love someone else? if you barely love your damn self.
Sometimes taking the necessary steps to becoming a better version of you is walking away from people, things, that maybe in the moment is just not working. I never could understand that before, like if you love me? why would you leave me? my thoughts use to be, if we in this, we will ride to the wheels fall off. But, no, if you love me .. thank you for leaving me, you know why? because in that time you may have broke my heart or a piece of me, but I earned a greater love for myself and in return earned wisdom. Pay close attention to things like this, when someone leaves you or suddenly is wrapped into other things. Yes it may hurt like hell, but thank them later. This too shall pass.
With lots of love and bubbly, xo