We all have them, insecurities. Do we allow them to rule us or do we work on what we dislike about ourselves? Now, some may screw up their face like nah, not me? Pshhh I'm the shit, always have been. Cool. Cool. While knowing you're the best thing since slice bread is a great quality to have, being humble about it is the most attractive thing anyone can possess. Back when I was in fifth grade, I grew a bad habit to junk food and would dog doritos 99 cent bag without a problem. I was kid and enjoyed snacks before food, so I grew insecure about my weight. I was a little thickums, baby fat on fleek . . or baby you just fat?
By the time I was entering middle school my pops told my mom I think lex is a little self conscious of her weight. While I didn't notice it was showing, I 'm very happy my stepfather was paying attention to how I was moving. Looking back I recall wanting to wear baggy clothes from the boys section from Jimmy Jazz (Rocawear, Enyce. etc). I think I was just having a real tom boy phase at that time too, still having my girly tendencies I never wanted anything to cling to me.
So, i put down the chip bag and began doing Tai-Chi Chuan. Tai-Chi Chuan is a martial art form that is known for defense and health benefits. It's a zenful art form, that allows you to meditate while whipping ass in lamest terms. My pops and I began going twice a week, riding the train into the city from The Bronx. Just the rushing during rush hour was having my ass out of breath, I always danced but as much as I danced I was stuffing my face with unhealthy snacks. Around this time I was wearing a pants size of 9/10. Twice a week began to pay off and by the time spring break was approaching in my 6th grade year, I was down to a healthy 5/6.
Thanks to my pops in heaven, he helped me to make that change in my life and shed that weight which was holding me down. From that point on in my life, I made it a priority to be health conscious. Putting better things into my body, but also knowing that it's all about a balance. How could I want to be smaller, but not put down those Doritos I was throwing back everyday after school. Once I stopped doing Tai-Chi, to maintain the fit I stayed on the Atkins diet if you don't what that is it's a low carb diet that I followed the rest of my middle school year pretty much. Also, I used Slim Fast as a supplement to replace meals at times, because I was such a picky eater I had an issue with most meals because I didn't eat cheese.
Another security of mine was my teeth, I had a gap. So think about it baby fat with a gap ... ugh. I was not happy looking in the mirror sometimes, not self hate but, didn't have the confidence to smile without putting my hand over my mouth. Meeting people especially guys as I got older, I would think fuck .. I'm attractive but, my teeth. Like how could you think I'm attractive with this gap? Now, as I sit and think about it .. I was attractive beyond my teeth. When you radiate with a pure heart and genuinely be yourself people accept you for who your are. The people I've crossed paths with that called out how beautiful I was in my chubby phase .. thank you!
When others call out the beauty in you, even if you can't see it . . just say thank you! Don't go into the whole spill about you dislike this, that and the third. Just look them in the eyes with confidence and smile. Only we know our deepest flaws and sometimes it's the hardest thing to face or admit, especially when you're being complimented on that insecurity. Own that shit, for so long I hid my smile because of a gap I thought I could place 4 quarters in. However, my gap wasn't that big(even if it was) .. that was my own reflection of myself and dimmed my light by covering my smile with my hand.
Knowing me by this point, I took action. If you don't like something about yourself and you can control it, change it. Take action. Make a plan and make it happen. Yes, working on yourself is a process ... I'm still a work in progress and that's fine. I went and got braces on at 21 years old at Diamond Braces. Like anything in life ... it's a process so it didn't happen in 1,2,3 no, no, not at all. I had to get my two baby teeth(incisors next to the two front teeth) pulled out. Yes, baby teeth at 21! Where they do that at? Same, I couldn't believe these babies never wanted to leave me. But, it happened and I ended up having to get a gold chain -- like 2 chains hanging from both sides on top of my silver gates, I mean braces.
While these were all outside things affecting me, taking positive action towards breaking that insecurity was the most beneficial thing I could ever do. The outside is a visual for the viewers to see, but what happens after all the outside is taking care of and you feel confident in that? Do we begin looking for other flaws? I know I HAVE. Inner things can't grow unless we allow them to, try to write down whatever it is you may have had an insecurity with and face it. This was a big step for me to talk about this openly and I hope I have made a space for others to feel secure.
As always with love and bubbly.